Full Throttle

Can you drive really fast around tight corners? Four times each lap? Do you burst a cranial blood vessel, lose your temper and burst into tears when other drivers cut-down on you? If you answered yes to any, or all of the above, NASCAR might want to hear from you.

At least that’s what NASCAR chief executive Brian France claims he’s looking for. Forgive me for mentioning it but, we heard that in February.

Then, he and NASCAR claimed, there will be no more trips to etiquette school for drivers with salty-sailor mouths (Hey, I resemble that! - ed), or fines for bumper-tag experts who tangle with another hothead, or a scolding for driver who decided to take the law into their own hands by trying to kick, bash, slam or otherwise rearrange an opponent’s door.

France has taken the occasion of Champions Week to reiterate his February edict. And used Jimmie “Plain Jim” Johnson has his example of what NOT to do.

“What we need to do more with our athletes is to bring out their emotions because one of the things [that's] a drawback is we’re so sponsor-dependent and [the drivers] represent all these companies, their merchandise sales are based on doing the right thing,” France said.

People like to see the emotion in athletes,” he said. “If you’re running 200 miles an hour, racing somebody who wrecks you and spins you out, you don’t need to hop out of the car and act like you’re in the library.”

So, Brian what happened to Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards, did they forget their “library card” at Bristol and were put on probation as a result?

“He’s a very nice guy, a cool customer, obviously very talented in our sport… but he’s not gonna do a lot of things that are gonna wow you or stun you or surprise you in the way that sometimes other athletes make their mark,” France said of three-time champ “Plain Jim” Johnson.

“You’re mad. You’re upset. Our drivers have some restraints built-in because of the commitments they have. “And that’s not all good at times when we’re working to build up their awareness and image. But we’re going to work on that,” France continued.

Well, that’s true as far as it goes, Home Depot did slam Smoke with a 50k fine and season probation for jacking up a freelance photog a few years ago but that’s an exception.

The rule as dictated by PCNA (People’s Commissar of NASCAR Affairs a/k/a Brian France) & Co. is to financially slam dance with anyone with who even thinks of saying shit - literally.

In the midst of the economic slowdown, France said NASCAR, with its dropping television ratings and attendance decline, has postponed any plans to expand to cities like New York, Seattle or Denver.

“We’re having to adjust to falling advertising revenues,” he said.

Really France? Is that another epiphany, or are you - forgive the following over used expression - putting lipstick on a pig after getting run out of Staten Island and Seattle by the locals?

Or… letting others take the heat, such as Dale Earnhardt Jr and the track he’s building or the Canucks who are doing the same in Ontario with the aid of a Kuwaiti bank?

Sounds like a plan to me, save the heartache and cash and let them deal with bank loans, environmental studies and potentially irate locals pissed about having their Sunday Brunch interrupted by noisy petrol guzzling race cars.

Now about that Jimmie “Plain Jim” Johnson thing. Do ya think it possible to arrange for him and say, Tony Stewart meet in a WWE ring in a fight to the death?

I might even do something I’ve never done and swore wouldn’t ever do. Fork out cash for a Pay Per View.

UPDATE: As noted above history teaches sponsors, Home Depot in this case, can get flustered by the antics of it’s “hired guns.”

But it also present today. Here’s what new Carl Edwards sponsor Aflac said about his recent set-to with Kevin Harvick:

“Obviously, we’re very protective of our brand,” said Aflac vice president Al Johnson, who oversees all advertising for the company. “We certainly don’t want garage scuffles going on or things to happen whether it’s a celebrity that’s in one of our commercials on down to a sports star.

“But we do want people to be true to themselves.”

That looks very much like France and NASCAR as a whole are between the proverbial rock and a hard place.