Full Throttle

In an effort to follow in Santa’s footsteps, not to mention living up to my curmudgeon-like nature, it’s time to hand out “awards” to those of the NASCAR community deserving of “recognition.”

Santa’s mandate is to reward those that are nice and there are many places in the media and blogosphere to read such lists. But the opposite, the naughty list, isn’t so well known or widely distributed.

The Half-Vast Staff™ of Full Throttle, who normally peg out the naughty meter ourselves, aims to rectify that. Through a special arrangement with Santa, (rumors of bribes are flatly denied) a list of those that will receive the traditional lump of coal Christmas morning are listed below.

Jeremy Mayfield: Topping this years list of coal recipients has to be Jeremy “Who Me” Mayfield, who had a slight problem with what was alleged to be tainted urine samples, or as he calls them “spiked.” Mayfield also had what is commonly referred to as having a “Bashful Penis” when learning the dirty deed had to be witnessed by those evil doers employed, or not employed, by NASCAR.

Media: Is there any doubt, or any other legit contender that rises to the level of what FoxSports’ Digger did to NASCAR Nation? Yes his appearance did generate over a million dollars for the networks bottomline but that only goes to prove P.T. Barnum was right, “there’s a sucker born every minute.”

Honorable Mention in this category is awarded to the broadcaster, who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, of the Sharpie 500 at Bristol Motor Speedway on August 22, 2009. Both the invocation and the national anthem were preempted because the Little League World Series game ran long. Oopsy.

Vince Welch: Second runner up in media goes to Welch. Juan Montoya walked out on an interview with Welch after the Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500 due to a line of questioning he was not happy with. Montoya felt he was being baited after he and Kasey Kahne had a “get together” during the race and Montoya chastised him for trying to create a conflict that wasn’t there.

Kyle Busch: Kyle gets a two lumps of coal, one for smashing a priceless guitar after his NNS win in Nashville and secondly for not making this year’s Chase.

Carl Long’s fan base: Long was penalized in Mid May after NASCAR discovered the engine in his Dodge to be 0.17 of an inch larger than the maximum-allowed 358.000 cubic inch displacement during pre-race inspection for the Sprint Showdown.

The 200-point, $200,000 penalty was upheld by the National Stock Car Commission on June 2nd and a crescendo of condemnation was heard from fans of Long and fans in general. The din of noise sparked a fund drive to pay the fine and get Long back on the track.

As of this writing the fund drive has pocketed a total of 25,468 dollars and 38 cents. Way to go gays and gals, at that rate Carl should be back on track in oh, say… five or six years. Digger hauls in a million bucks but fans of Long, or aleged fans, can only pony up less than ten percent of what’s required for Long to race again.

Aerodynamics, or lack thereof: Fluid Dynamics, air acts as a fluid ya know, gets a truckload of coal after Carl Edwards took a tumble into the fence injuring several fans at Talladega. Ryan Newman duplicated the same act, at the same place, proving fluid dynamics only works when pointed in the right direction.

Jimmy Johnson: Yes Jimmie was history making with his fourth consecutive Cup he also apparently woke-up a few ink stained wretches, not an easy fete by any stretch of the imagination, as the Associated Press finally realized race car drivers are actual real live athletes, by naming him Athlete of the Year.

Jimmie deserves all the accolades he has or will recieve, this lump of coal is for what he prevented. His dominate performance yet again prevented the ageless Mark Martin from gaining his first ever Sprint cup Championship.