Full Throttle

Whap-Whap-Whap… There… do ya hear it now?

It’s the sound of NASCAR’s black Helicopters hovering over my casa. You might ask why.

And well… I might dare to tell ya, but the helos have scared the cat. The dogs have quit chasing their tails because their gone!

No not the dogs. The tails! It’s the damnedest darnedest thing I’ve ever seen. Both dogs gnawed their tails to a stump as if they were prime rib bones. And at every “Whap” heard they scurry deeper under the bed.

And the leaflets, they are a foot deep, and there’s another helo drop occuring as I write. The yard looks like, like Bristol in a snow storm. If ya know what I mean. The print is too small to read from the safety of the house and the furniture piled before the window but the heading is in plain view. It says “Summons!” In bright “NEXTEL Cup Yellow” print.

It started so simply really. With a simple word. A one syllable word of four letters. Starting with “S” and ending with “hit.” (Geesh I’ve gotten so scared I can’t type it!) It was uttered as grease splattered on my… my, nevermind. Let’s just say somewhere “south” of the beltline, (Please don’t ask why) as I was frying up a cheese, sausage, onion, and chunky peanut butter omlette. (Again, don’t ask!)

Anyway, no sooner had the pain subsided some crackpots from something called “Family Policy Network” called ranting about “the word” I used screamed and NASCAR “fights and bad language” becoming “all-too-common.”

Whatever else they had to say was drowned out by the Whap… Whap… Whap of the helos! As I admitted I”m scared. But not without ammo to fight back.

These crackpots are overstating their case a bit. Fights aren’t “common,” in fact they only occur once, maybe twice a season. And if they are classifying Jeff Gordon’s little $10,000 dollar shove a “fight” they are making the point for me, they are indeed, crackpots.

As for the language, NBC solved that problem by utilizing a 5-7 second delayed broadcast. No clue why Fox hasn’t done the same, but if they are experiancing the same “terror” I am at present it should soon follow.

And another thing. These crackpots can’t even claim they “speak for America.” And I have the proof in an AP-ipsos poll that was just released this very day.

Nearly three-quarters of Americans questioned last week