Full Throttle

Jenna Fryer, who writes for the NASCAR side of the Yahoo Sports house, has a plan to stop cheating in the sport.

She outlines what we all know, NASCAR has tried everything. Fines, driver and owner point reductions and crew chief suspensions.

All remedies thus far have resulted in a historical status quo. NASCAR teams and drivers have cheated since 1949 and they have only gotten more clever in doing so a half century (plus) later.

Jenna’s plan takes the final step. She advocates suspension of the driver. The single downside she writes would be PO’d fans who would be deprived of cheerin’ for, or tossin’ bottles at the object of their affection/disaffection.

I don’t think she’s thought her position through to it’s logical conclusion. The end result may be something like this:

Rev Limit, driving the #100 Guido’s Bar & Grill, Punters Casino Chevy Monte Carlo dominated Thursday’s 125 lap qualifying race at Daytona. As a result he will start Sunday’s 500 from the inside of row two behind pole winner 72 year old James Hilton.

NASCAR, via its spokesman Jim “BobbleHead” Hunter, said Limit’s Chevy failed post race inspection. During the customary tech inspection it was discovered Limit and crew chief Rod Bent violated Sections 12-4-A (actions detrimental to stock car racing) and 12-4-Q (car, car parts, components and/or equipment used in the event that do not conform to NASCAR rules).

Hunter said inspectors found a one square foot cage containing a single emaciated mouse and a small ferris wheel. The wheel was attached via a v-belt to the rear differential. It was the inspectors and Mike Helton’s opinion the “device” was an effort to provide extra power that is normally lost due to the mandated restrictor plate.

Hunter also announced crew chief Rod Bent would be suspended for the next 10 events, 185 owners points deducted and driver Rev Limit is suspended for the Daytona 500 and may be assessed further “days off.”

Upon hearing of the driver suspension Guido’s Bar & Grill owner, Guido Bad-a-bing, filed an injunction against the suspension claiming it would prevent Rev Limit from attending promotional events prior to and after the 500. The filing also claimed the suspension would do irrevocable harm to the company’s “brand name” and may cost an estimated $10 million in lost advertising opportunities.

It’s also been reported Guido’s CEO (Chief Enforcement Officer) has been dispatched to NASCAR corporate offices with his “dark-suited entourage.”

Punter Casino’s lawyer stated he may file a court brief as an adjunct to the Guido’s legal action, claiming Rev Limits suspension would adversely effect the betting odds for the Daytona 500.

Jim “BobbleHead” Hunter when asked to comment of the legal actions said, “Guido’s who, I frequent the Olive Garden? Punter Casino, who hell bets on NASCAR!”

When asked if the reported meeting with Guido’s CEO occurred Hunter responded: “Sorry guys, I wouldn’t know anything about that. No more questions, please, I’m late for a flight to the Seychelles Islands for a well deserved vacation,” to a reporters chorus of, “but, but Jim the 500 is only 2 days away!!!”

Now Jenna, isn’t this the most realistic scenario in the most litigious society this side of the Asteroid Belt? Is that really what you want, or NASCAR needs?

The Half-Vast Staff