Full Throttle

Yea that’s right, Pocono was entertainment. If Carl Edwards radio remarks ([asking if] “there was a penalty for kicking someone’s ass after the race.”) isn’t valid entertainment well, nothing is. Looking around at the blogs and websites the general consensus is to sentence both Stewart and Edwards for a taste of Hellfire and brimstone courtesy of Beelzebub.

I ain’t gonna do it. They get the obligatory swim in this weeks Cesspool but that’s for the sake of consistency more than anything else. Others pulling similar stunts received the same treatment. In the current NASCAR environment of plain vanilla drivers, interviews and scripted tripe like Fox’s 10 questions charade it’s refreshing to see a little short track spirit and mentality put on display.

Besides, it’s two weeks til Indy. The ink stained wretches should bow down and send copious thank you notes to Smoke and Edwards for giving them something to beat to death for the next 10 days or so. (Who remembers that Gordon thing?)

Penske South, hello how ya doing? Not so good if your Kasey Kahne. How do you go from being fast in practice, third in qualifying and “progress” to stinkin’ up the place during the race? (no need to mention Mayfield or Newman. They have both been lost in space, and the standings, for a couple months)

On to other things, like a pitiful crowd at Martinsville for the first Busch event in 12 years (10,000, 15,000 at most). With a crowd that small one would think it was the 7^th event of the week not the first in over a decade. So what was the cause? Maybe having only 7 Whackers in the field, or more likely a silent protest because this was a one shot deal. The Martinsville Busch date will be replaced by Montreal in ‘07. The official announcment of that should come after the August CCWS event at Montreal.

The media and Kurt Busch get a joint entry this week. Frankly who gives a damn about a troubled and or interrupted wedding ceremony that had the Feds sniffing around looking for and scratching through sand for a sighting of some stupid beetle? (Dung Beetle?) Give it a rest! Go find a Jackalope or something, I hear there are whole heards of them. On the north slope of Mt. Everest!

Oh boy… a week off. Can’t wait to see what the media dream up to fill column space. The first racing writer that turns fashionista and writes on the color, fit or length of train on Eva Bryan-Busch’s wedding dress gets sent to the end of the longest line at the dirtiest outhouse at the most mis-managed short track in America. After eating Ex-Lax spiked chocolates sent by yours truly. Candy-gram… Candy-gram…

NASCAR, NEXTEL Cup, Busch Series, Martinsville Speedway, Pocono Raceway, Auto Racing, Motorsports, Full Throttle

It’s been a while since my last Cesspool entry, LMS and the 600 to be exact, but I think most would agree there are several worthy nominees from Sunday’s Cup event. Plus a couple “bonus” entries.

First on my list falls under the heading of Pin Ball Wizards, and there were a hell of lot of them and they all thought they were pumping quarters in the local arcade. Ryan Newman, Robbie Gordon, Michael Waltrip (under caution!), Ken Schrader, Brian Vickers, and Tony Raines all provided more spins than a carnival Tea Cup Ride and more crumpled sheet metal than the World Figure 8 Championship.

Can I get an Amen?

Next on the Cesspool hit parade is Bill Elliot. Just what is he doing and by extension, Waltrip? He qualed Waltrip’s “Pseudo-Toyota” in the back of the pack and stayed there all day. Not to put too fine a point on it but Elliott Sadler ran out of gas and finished 7 places ahead of Awesome Bill. My question is, just what is under that Chevy’s skin? Is it something cobbled together by the Toyota folks, or pulled off the Waltrip shelf. If the former, the ‘07 season may see more than the #00’s sponsor’s burgers getting “char-broiled.” And there won’t be any “Super Sizeing” of the points standings either.

NASCAR experienced The Perfect Storm Sunday. The green-white-checker rule is supposed to give the fans the finish they paid an arm, leg, and Grand Mamma’s heirloom Bone China for. Instead they got a finish authored by Sebastian Junger and directed by a dead Tyrannosaurus Rex. With an extra 8 laps to be run, (thanks Mikey) cars were dropping like flies as they ran out of dead dinosaur fuel. But at least this week they had an excuse (take a bow Mikey) last week they didn’t, as laps ran down so did a couple of fuel gauges. Not a good thing and worthy of this dip in the fetid feces.

A quick word about the Busch event. It ran relatively uneventful, besides having the 18^th Cup driver win in 20 events I mean. Aaron Fike was caught up in what will henceforth be known as a “Michael Jackson” incident. It rates its own moniker because it’s the second time a loose driving glove found its way onto the track creating a caution flag. To Fike’s credit he has a plausable excuse, (“I can’t stick my hand out the window and I was just trying to get some air.) but as the first that has plead guilty to the offense (the California culprit is unknown) his sentence is a swim in the Cesspool. Enjoy Aaron!

Dennis Setzer gets a nod for a bizare pit road incident in Saturday’s NCTS event in Memphis. Setzer was denied a Memphis victory when he ran over a pit sign in an adjacent pit stall. The sign became wedged under the FlexFuel 85 Chevy and led to the truck being dropped off the jack before the left rear tire could be attached completely. Not a good thing, and I suspect that pit sign said “No swimming in the Cesspool” (or am I dreaming?), which he obviously couldn’t read as it lay underneath his Silverado.

That’s it for this Cesspool. I’ve got a couple more entries but they are a bit off topic and off track so to speak and rate a post of their own. You’ll thank me for it later.

Next week is Pocono. Oh boy, if form holds true it may come down to who has enough long dead dinos in the tank again. Won’t that be fun?

NHIS, New Hampshire International Speedway, NEXTEL Cup, NASCAR, NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series, Busch Series, NCTS, Auto Racing, Motorsports, Full Throttle

The title says it all about this weeks lead item in the NASCAR Cesspool and as noted previously John Darby, Director of Competition should be given a Darwin Award for his “13.5 gallon solution” that contributed in large part to making the Coca-Cola 600 the “PitStop 600″ at Lowes Motor Speedway. Last time I checked Lowes already had a PitStop competition (Won by Martin Truex’s Crew), there was no need to have a second event wrapped inside what allegedly was a motor race.

And BTW, can’t we shitcan the “13.5 gallon solution” for Daytona and Talladega as well. It has never produced the results advertised - to break-up the field and eliminate The Big One - so why bother?

With that rant out of the way let’s talk RYR. Lets talk [lame duck] Dale Jarrett “(What’s Japanese for ” lameduck?”). Lets talk about the “Yates family reasserting themselves as the managers of their family-owned business.” As we all know that hands-on management style led to the firing of General Manager Eddie D’Hondt as the Yates Family first edict. Then the Law of Unintended Consequences kicked in.

The small print on D’Hondt’s r

Candidates for this weeks Cesspool is rather sparse to say the least. Surprising given the venue was The Lady in Black a place that is never kind to anyone and normally sets tempers on edge. But seek and you shall find.

And the first two nominees both belong under the banner of stupidity and hype by FoxSports. Picture that crawl that runs across your TV screen during green flag racing. Allegedly it gives the lap by lap running order of the entire field each lap - “Running Order: 1 Kasey Kahne, 2. Matt Kenseth, etc…” - for example. Saturday night that feature was turned into someones personal cheering section. For the first third of the event the graphic appeared this way: “Go Dale Go,” 1, Kasey Kahne, 2, Matt Kenseth, etc…” Someone needs to be horse whipped for that little stunt, this dip in the Pool isn’t enough. You guys report, nothing more. You want to cheerlead, go get yer-self a pleated skirt a couple pom-poms and have at it. In the frontstretch grandstands.

Not to be outdone by an idiot in the FoxSports Graphics Dept., the entire Fox Crew gets to taste a bit of the Cesspool’s malodorous contents also. Everyone, from the TV ads pimping the show, to broadcast booth bobbleheads, the guys in the production truck” and again the aforementioned Graphics Dept.

The phrase “Darlington Stripe” was heard (and hyped!) more times than “Bush is Hitler” at a world peace rally!

The final example and tally was shown at the end of the race: “Darlington Stripes: 25.” It should have read, “Darlington Stripes 00,” there hasn’t been a true Darlington Stripe in two decades. True Stripes were intentional, not the result of a driver getting too high, into the dust, dirt, and dinggle-berries and coming away with what can only be called a pseudo-Stripe.

But wait, there’s more from TV Land. This time Fox News on Sunday morning. (can you tell not much happened on track?) Speed Channel’s Dave DeSpain appeared on the Morning Show discussing the increase in NASCAR accidents this year. All the usual suspects were discussed but that’s not the point. While they talked a loop of film clips were shown. The first was the “Blue Deuce” getting upside down. The second featured Dale Jr. but not in a NASCAR ride! They ran a clip of Jr. as he was momentarily trapped in his burning ALMS sports car at Sonoma in 2004. Ahemm… excuse me! This segment was about NASCAR, NASCAR “road Rage” and drivers getting “even” on track and a perceptable increase of NASCAR accidents!

IDOITS! Oh, and is it any surprise they never mentioned the historic venue or the results from Saturday night? NOT!

A quick Cesspool shoutout to Roush Racing. How the hell do you have two, count’em, two oil pump belts go south? (#26 and #99) On two different cars. In the same event. I don’t know either, but there you go, it happened and made this weeks offensive, putrid Cesspool of Infamy!

That’s it this week. With next weeks All-Star event at Humpy’s place that features one off race cars for a non-points paying race I expect considerably more on track antics for the Cesspool.

NASCAR, NEXTEL Cup, Darlington Raceway, Auto Racing, Motorsports, Full Throttle

Hey, a scribe (or ink-stained wretch if you prefer) gets to leadoff the Cesspool this week. Bob Margolis of Yahoo! Sports, no you didn’t! Really! There are more than a few things to be critical about Victory Lane celebrations, (endless sponsor mentions comes to mind) but this isn’t one of them: “How comfortable were you with having to watch two models in victory lane hold up bottles of Crown Royal behind Earnhardt Jr. while he was being interviewed on television?”

WHAT bottles of Crown Royal? Did you see any? I did see two hotties, a blonde and brunette, but sorry, no bottles of Crown Royal! Welcome to the Cesspool Bob, and please, get your eyes checked!

This entry is so obvious it hardly deserves the mention, but I will anyway. Because I can. NOTE: KB, when you suffer the dreaded flat tire that drops you a lap or more behind the competition, it’s adviseable to wait so the crew can get that last tire across the centerline so as to not be assessed a drive-thru. Of course performing a [avatar:http://cranialcavity.net/files/butt-head.gif]cranial-rectal reversal[/avatar] by speeding on pit road during the very same penalty thus invoking a second drive-thru isn’t exactly the stuff of Einstein either.

Kevin Harvick, what can you say? Dominates the race, and loses. Making the wrong pit call and being an “only soldier” left on the track while everyone else is in happens so often the team doesn’t deserve a full dip in the Cesspool, maybe just a toe or two. And frankly anyone that claims it cost him the race is full of partisan BS. With over 100 laps to go at that point anything, and everything could have happened.

The next entry comes second hand. Ya see I don’t have the “pleasure” of seeing commercials during the Cup broadcasts. What I get are in-car camera shots during that time, including driver/crew chief communications. (hey don’t shoot the messenger, it’s not my fault!) Anyway I hear tell during Saturday’s broadcast 13 promos for the season premiere of the NYC fire department drama “Rescue Me” were shown. If that isn’t overkill and deserving a dip in the fetid feces this week nothing does. I don’t even want to guess of the 13 how many times FX returned to the action late and missed a restart or yellow flag.

Kasey, Kasey, Kasey. As the defending race Champion luck just wasn’t on his side. Kahne found early trouble that put him five laps down and he never was able to recover, eventually finishing 34^th. Reportedly the mis-fire was due to a couple loose plug wires. It makes you wonder how the crew could take so long to find an obvious solution to the situation. Kasey, it ain’t you. The crew gets this dip for overlooking the obvious.

Next up, The Lady in Black, at night. That should be fun.

UPDATE: Kevin d pointed this out in the comment section and here’s confirmation, from the horse’s mouth (Bobby Labonte’s): “On the last stop, the left rear tire got put on the right rear and the right rear got put on the left rear,” he said. “That hasn’t happened in about a hundred years. I was wrecking after that. I just had to hold on for 40 laps.”

NASCAR, NEXTEL Cup, Richmond International Racway, Auto Racing, Motorsports, Full Throttle

Need it be said? Well yes, if for no other reason than to make it an official NASCAR Cesspool entry.

The Busch bros. are both well deserving of entry this week. Kyle will get a visit, most likely on Tuesday, by the NASCAR “tax man” and will come away light in the wallet. The “K” in the family served his penalty via a black flag for attempting to finish the race manually holding up his safety net. A nice trick that I may have tried in his position, but worthy of the flag none-the-less.

A death of a meme gets notation this week. The meme being Robbie Gordon’s switch to DEI power solveing that part of the noncompetitive equation and he will rocket up the point standings. The death is caused by Robby Gordon, for the second time in three events, suffering engine failure and finishing up 41^st at PIR. he

Did I ever tell you I hate the term cookie cutter? If not, or you have forgotten, let me restate it. There is no such thing. There may be race tracks that are of the same length, maybe even the same degree banking. But they each have there own “personality” when considering car set-up due to track surface or turn radius. In light of that “cookie cutter” is hereby designated as this weeks first entry and is eligable to take a dip in the NASCAR Cesspool.

A rookie in both the Cesspool Hall of Shame and the NEXTEL Cup Series is next up. Ganassi’s Reed Sorenson faces a possible penalty for intentionally creating a caution during Saturday’s running of the O’Reilly 300 at TMS. NASCAR threw the caution for a piece of roll bar padding from Sorenson’s car that was on the track and sent Sorenson to the end of the longest line at the time, a penalty of about five positions. Tsk, tsk, tsk… it’s not nice to fool “Father NASCAR.” If the tale of the tape shows a hand attached to that padding the NASCAR “tax man” will paying a visit to the rookie’s bank acount.

Now that it’s official, and the “Great Intrepid Experiment” is history, can all the Dodge Teams get along now? Will they actually get back to the business of putting the Charger brand name in winners circle? Obviously Evernham has it figured out. And it’s just as obvious Penske doesn’t and they have some catching up to do now they’re forced back into the Charger. Which brings me to Ryan Newman, currently 18^th in points, 352 behind leader Jimmie Johnson. Technically within the 400 point cutoff for the Chase, but something more than “being Intrepid” is going on with the #12. Going back to last year there seems to be something missing. If the team is just a bit off during a race they seem to lack the ability to make the right adjustments at the right time to get back to the top ten. In that light, the Half-Vast staff of Full Throttle joins Dodge in making an “official announcement.” Newman’s season is over, Ka-put, history just as the Intrepid Experiment.

Verbal exchange’s makes it in this week along with the exclaimation: What the hell was that, uttered in the aftermath of the lap-83 altercation involving former teammates Kurt Busch and Greg Biffle. The two combatants after race verbal exchange’s are expected. What wasn’t expected occured between Biffle

After “The Cesspool” took the week off to spend time bashing The Family Policy Network, it returns this week with a full field of deserving soles souls (Thanks Laura) after an action filled weekend at Martinsville.

The first entry is nominated not for “action,” but for non-action. Those falling into the non-action category are all that fell victim to mechanical woes Sunday. Most notably were failures centered on the drivelines of so many that one had to ensure you were watching Martinsville and not Watkins Glen. B. Labonte, Kyle Petty, Casey Mears, and David Stremme all had transmission/rearend problems of one sort or another. In addition were the failures of engines by Ken Schrader, Kasey Kahne, Jeremy Mayfield, and Robby Gordon. Obviously going from a 60mph cornering speed, to well over 100mph in such a short distance took it’s toll.

Lady Luck has foresaken Matt Kenseth. For the fouth straight event Kenseth appeared headed for a top ten finish, if not a top five, when “Lady Luck” turned a blind eye to the #17’s potential of the day and sent Kenseth spiraling towards the tail of the field.

The most deserving entry is definatly FoxSports. Several times they returned from a caution induced commercial break to have the green flag already waving. In reality not much was missed by the fans (unless you have a desire for listening to three bobble-heads and their inane ranting) but really! How hard is it to have one eye on the commercial and one eye on the pace car as it leaves the track and enters pitroad? What’s that you say, pace car driver Bodine doesn’t pay millions each year for air time? Oh…, nevermind then, I see now. But I don’t have to like it. If Fox spent less time “highlighting” the #07 Direct TV (Parent company Fox) sponsored Chevy - during the green flag - those precious seconds could have been spent showing the runup to each restart.

You be the judge. In a NASCAR Cesspool first I’ll let you my ever interested and dedicated readers decide if this entry is worth a dip in the pool this week. After yet another “better than Cup” weekend for the NCTS at Martinsville (A Series many feel is better than Cup) should the powers that be place a four week stop to the action? The next NCTS is now on a four week hiatus with the next scheduled event April 29^th, at Gateway International Raceway. Shouldn’t the schedule be spaced out so no more than a two week gap exists? Again, you be the judge.

Next week brings the first of two Cup events at Texas. If things play out as normal next weeks “star entry” in the Cesspool should be all the whners and complainers all bemoaning the fact NASCAR returns to another dreaded “cookie-cutter” venue.

Bet on it… see ya next week.

NASCAR, NEXTEL Cup, NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series, NCTS, Auto Racing, Motorsports, Full Throttle

First entry this week - the weather man/woman/Deity who turned “Hotlanta” into “Wetlanta.” And not so incidently “forced” a switch of the race broadcast from FoxSports to the FX network. The switch resulted in my missing the broadcast due to the local cable provider not having FX as part of its lineup. So in that light both the weatherman/woman/Deity and FoxSports screwing over Full Throttle, among thousands of others, they deserve to undergo a through dunking in the Cesspool this week. Heaven forbid FoxSports piss off thousands (Hundreds?) of Monday daytime viewers by broadcasting the race!

The continuing saga of Penske Racing’s experiment with the Dodge Intrepid rates an entry this week. Honestly, can it stop now? With 4 of the top 11 finishers Chargers and the winner being one of them (The first Charger win at Atlanta in 29 years.) can the “brain trust” at Penske South actually get a clue now?

By the lap 60 mark the Penske team cars had “intrepidly” marched towards the rear of the field, never to be seen again. Ganassi, Evernham and Petty have all made significant gains in Charger performance as evidenced by Kahne and Mears in the top five in points and Kyle getting his best Cup finish Monday in years.

They say the first sign of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. It’s also said, at least around The Throttle, “To Intrepidly continue down the path you’re on is fool hearted, counterproductive to having Dodge stenciled on the front valance, and most assurdly will result in a permanent presence in the NASCAR Cesspool.” Enjoy your dip! Again!

Our third entry will probably be one of those that reaches “perpetual status,” as in, it will remain in the Cesspool until it disappears into history. The NASCAR NMPA Chex Most Popular Driver “contest.” Who cares? REALLY! Except Dale Jr. fans of course who keep pounding the ballot box as if it mattered.

That’s it for this week, time is short with out of town guests til the end of the month, but rest assured next week’s “Bullring Cesspool” will be overflow with “fetid goodness!”

NASCAR, NEXTEL Cup, Atlanta Motor Speedway, Auto Racing, Motorsports, Full Throttle

After finishing second to Matt Kenseth two weeks ago at California, one lap was all Jimmy Johnson needed to reverse his fortunes in the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400 at LVMS in “Los Wages.” The driver of the #48 Lowe’s Chevrolet nipped the Roush/DeWalt Power Tools Ford driver by .045 seconds - less than a car length.

But it wasn’t all peaches & cream for many of the drivers/teams in the “City of Sin,” and in keeping with the weekends venue this weeks Cesspool is numbers oriented and lists those that “crapped out” in Vegas.

First on the list has to be the #8 of Dale Jr. Starting 42^nd because of a near-crash during qualifying, he had worked is way all the way to unlucky 13th with three laps to go. A caution for debris sent Dale Jr. to the pits for four tires but was issued a pit-road speeding penalty in the process. It forced Junior to the rear of the field for the two-lap sprint. He took the green in 29th and passed two cars on the final lap. A “roll of the dice” and Jr. crapped out and earned his first visit to the NASCAR Cesspool this year.

The #12 of Ryan Newman probably wishes Vegas had been axed from this years schedule. After crashing out due to a blown tire he placed blame on anything but reality: